Editor’s note: The following is a figment of the writer’s imagination. However, considering what’s happening these days in politics and government, who’s to say it couldn’t happen?
FRANKFORT – In a surprise press conference, Gov. Matt Bevin announced that he has signed an executive order legalizing gambling on pro and college games in all of Kentucky’s 120 counties.
“I fully expect that it will only take a year to generate enough revenue to solve the commonwealth’s financial problems,” said Bevin, adding with a chuckle that “You can bet on it!”
The Governor brushed aside questions about whether his decision is constitutional, legal, or moral.
“This is my state and I’d do with it what I want,” he said.
The Governor said he has created a new cabinet, which will be called the “Speculation & Investment” Cabinet to oversee the gambling operations, and has hired former baseball star Pete Rose to be the Cabinet’s secretary.
“I am very honored that the Governor has so much confidence in me,” said Rose. “My advice to all Kentuckians is to take Southern Miss plus the points in the UK opener, and bet the mortgage on U of L to cover the spread against Charlotte.”
The betting lines will be set by a blue-ribbon panel of experts who will soon be released from a federal penitentiary in Nevada and placed in a witness protection program.
The Governor also announced that he has issued another executive order pardoning all Kentuckians who are in jail for activities related to illegal gambling, such as breaking the legs of players who go broke.
“I see absolutely no down side to this,” said Gov. Bevin. “I am putting Kentucky on the cutting edge of the gambling industry.”
Each county has the right to decide on the number and locations of its bookie joints …mmmm, investment offices. Churches that already sponsor Bingo nights will be exempt from paying any new fees.
The Governor said his order also legalizes rooster fighting.
“Colonel Sanders does not own the chicken monopoly in Kentucky,” he said. “We are home to some of the finest fighting roosters in the world, and many of our finest citizens already support this great industry with their gambling dollars.”
On the dais with the Governor for this historic announcement were former Ohio State quarterback Art Schlichter, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie (an avid supporter of legalized sports gambling), boxing promoter Don King, and former dog fighter Michael Vick.
In other football news from the Governor’s press conference:
* The Governor announced that no matter what happens on the field in the Governor’s Cup game between UK and U of L, he reserves the right to decide the winner. “It’s my Cup and I’ll do with it what I want,” the Governor said. “We all know the system is rigged. This is the only way we can be assured of the right winner.”
* The Governor also said that he will honor his hero, Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump, by signing an executive order that the Wildcats must wear orange jerseys (for Trump’s hair) and helmets with a big “T” on the sides for their home game against New Mexico State on Sept. 17.
When reminded that the Wildcats will be outfitted exactly like rival Tennessee, Gov. Bevin said, “So what’s wrong with building better relations with our neighbors? Is that so bad?”
* Asked his opinion of UK’s “nickel” and “dime” packages, Gov. Bevin said he was confident they would arrive on time if UK used UPS.
* The Governor said he remained confident that his U of L board would eventually prevail over the one named by his predecessor, Steve Beshear. He’s so confident, in fact, that he announced these additions to his U of L board: Freddie Farm Bureau, Buddy Bat, and Joe B. Hall.
* The Governor said he will sign an executive order requiring football crowds to join in prayer before games. The prayers must be conducted by Protestant ministers approved by Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis.
* The Governor said he has signed an executive order banning the movie “Concussion” from all Kentucky theaters because “America loves its football and this is an un-American movie.”
* Asked how Kentucky’s sports media differed from its political media, the Governor smiled and said, “Well, they’re all pretty easy to fool. Heck, we Republicans have been running misdirection plays for years and none of ‘em have figured it out yet.”
Billy Reed is a member of the U.S. Basketball Writers Hall of Fame, the Kentucky Journalism Hall of Fame, the Kentucky Athletic Hall of Fame and the Transylvania University Hall of Fame. He has been named Kentucky Sports Writer of the Year eight times and has won the Eclipse Award twice. Reed has written about a multitude of sports events for over four decades, but he is perhaps one of media’s most knowledgeable writers on the Kentucky Derby
