By Steve Flairty
NKyTribune Columnist
I’ve always found the Christmas holiday season (the tradition of my religious faith) to be one of a profound mixture of adjectives: solemn, joyous, sad, stressful, inspirational, and tiring. But if I had some choices to make it what I’d like, I’d want it to be of a light nature… and certainly punny.
Steve with ‘Santa’ (Photo provided)
I hope Yule indulge me with some examples of what I mean. It will likely be an Advent-ure, with a possible elves sighting along the way. But please… don’t call me a fruitcake. That would be stomping on my mistletoes!
As far as dessert foods for the holidays, don’t serve me vanilla pudding, bread pudding, or chocolate pudding. I’ll take just plum pudding, thank you! It’s a dish I Druid over. Anything else might bring a frosty parting with my server, but I don’t carol at all! And as far as eating veggies, let there be no peas on my earth, but ham-ony is fine; my favorite meat is fried chicken, with my favorite piece being the Little Drum-mer, Boy!
I’m not a Dancer. So if you ask, I’ll Dasher off. . . or will soon be Vixin to. Sorry if that’s Rudolph me; I might be dumb, but I’m not Cupid. Besides, Olive the Other Reindeer is that way, too. I’ll make no further Comet on this.
Traveling during the holidays? Check your tires and carry a jack-in-the-box with you. A goodwill is better than a bad wheel. Also, pack a big jug of water, as there may be Noel along the way. You cantata let that happen. And, with the heater going, your mouth might get dry, so suck on hard candy. If you don’t ornament, buy some other type of treat!
Image provided
By the way, do you know how many gardens Santa has? Three. . .so he can ho, ho, ho. (Thanks to a fourth-grader or two from my teaching past.)
If you tend to be a Scrooge at times, it might help to sip on a joy drink and eggnog-ledge the fact that you haven’t yet had an epiphany. Stay away from seeing too many Christmas light shows. When I go to too many of ‘em, they make Magi hurt!
I always told people Mom could decorate. Fir a long time, they didn’t believe me until they’d cedar Christmas tree. One time she accidently knocked it over; after that, I was always ribbon her about it. I always imagined myself eve-ventually sitting atop her tree, but I knew I really wasn’t an angel… and probably a turkey who needed dressing down.
Here are a few more stolen kids’ jokes for the season, from humoropedia.com:
How do sheep say “Merry Christmas” in Mexico? Ans. Fleece Navidad
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Ans. Nothing, it was on the house.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Ans. A frostbite.
With that corn-ucopia of frankin-non-cense and your need not to read any myrrh, that about wraps this suite nutcracker up… I’m just sleighin.’
On a more serious note, I’m busy scheduling speaking events for 2020. My topic is Kentucky’s Everyday Heroes and I’d love to meet you and share my passion with your group! Email sflairty2001@yahoo.com or contact me through Facebook (Steve Flairty).
Steve Flairty is a teacher, public speaker and an author of six books: a biography of Kentucky Afield host Tim Farmer and five in the Kentucky’s Everyday Heroes series, including a kids’ version. Steve’s “Kentucky’s Everyday Heroes #4,” was released in 2015. Steve is a senior correspondent for Kentucky Monthly, a weekly KyForward and NKyTribune columnist and a member of the Kentucky Humanities Council Speakers Bureau. Contact him at sflairty2001@yahoo.com or visit his Facebook page, “Kentucky in Common: Word Sketches in Tribute.” (Steve’s photo by Connie McDonald)
